If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
