the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
