I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
sick fucks of a feather flock together
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
lol hangovers are for mortals.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
