Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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