my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
