I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
