She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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