Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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