My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
