the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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