I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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