dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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