I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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