my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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