just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
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