I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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