Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
