when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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