I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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