I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
