Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
