Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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