I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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