So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Two words: blizzard sex
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Never joke about your clitoris.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
