I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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