help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
