I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Randomize
