My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
