sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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