Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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