last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
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