bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
