you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
