R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
