I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
