I'm gonna have a badass scar
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
