he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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