yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
