My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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