my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
