if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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