you inspire me to be a worse person
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Sorry about my life...
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
