evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
