You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
