I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
