Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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