You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
