Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
