Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
