dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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