:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
