I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
