Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
