Pants 0. Shit 1.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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