i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
