There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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