During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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