i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
